Clown face or that perpetually laughing character. Oh, so strong and a smile that never parts from those lips. He makes people laugh too; either it is his job, or he is good at it. He has no problems, and we envy him or how good he is at dealing with his issues; or otherwise, he would never be able to smile so openly. Now, in our minds we know – it is #Robin Williams

As his laugh reverberates, we think, ‘how great it would be to have a life like that. Smooth sailing, simple, and maybe we will be able to at least smile a bit if not as much as he does!’

Alone the smile cracks, the mask falls from the smiling face, followed by tears that he cannot stop. His heart is breaking. Here and now, he does not have to smile anymore. Alone, the pain inside comes up to the surface, and he cannot deal with it. It smothers him with its cloying arms, taking his breath away. Gone is the smile, that clown face, and the strength that he is known for. For here alone, it is just him and his pain.

Deeply etched on his soul, and it is not about dealing with life issues; it is about being able to bear the pain – it is unbearable.

Faith might keep at bay the options of taking that pain away – for a while – perhaps today, he can get to finally fall asleep.

One day gone.

The next, he performs his choreographed acts – the smile, the strength that shows, and that clownish attitude – expected, his role among other people, or is it a job?

The day is over.

Alone once more – and there it is, clutching him and never letting go.

Calling a friend – busy – so does not answer or bother to call back.

Perhaps another – to no avail.

He has to face it alone. That inner self, that p***

If only that person knew what it would have meant if he had replied, the weight of just saying hi, to a drowning person. But he is not drowning – is the immediate thought; he is resilient, dealing, and with a perpetual smile that spreads sunshine.

He is not. He is crying, screaming, and alone.

He stands alone in front of the options – ‘so easy, it will be quick, and I am here alone.’

No….

He turns away – one more day.

What a painful life and, oh! What a smile.

The day comes when he doesn’t turn away.

But he has been such a smiling, laughing person, he made us smile, and everyone had a lovely day just seeing his smile or allowing him to make us laugh.

Does he laugh?

That is the problem.

Until…

Oh, he was so much fun; why did he do that to himself?

He had everything – but did he? And if he did, did it take his pain away?

The answer is there on the front page in the morning – he finally could not say no, and quietly alone, it is finally over.

Here on Earth – yes.

And there?

Well, he has to answer that, and my adorable clown, you can’t anymore, and if you do, you will not be able to relay the answer the way you did those incomparable smiles – clown, friend – no more.

No more Robin Williams – a life that did not allow him to depart normally.

Is it just him, or are there more Robins in our lives – left, right, in the office, in the park.

Answer the ring of a friend – perhaps he would be here today.

Is it only him? — No, there are many more….

About Salwa

Salwa is a writer and author. Weaving magic with words backed up with research and a natural flair for beautiful writing.


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